Revision

As exams are approaching, it's revision season for me. Well, I use the term 'revision' rather loosely. I don't shut myself in my room for 8 hours a day frantically drawing mind maps or practising essays. I sit on my father's laptop, which he has kindly and unknowingly allowed me the frequent use of, and I am typing up all of my class notes from the last year that I should have typed up a long time ago. Yet here I am writing a blog post, less than a month before my exams, with Facebook and Tumblr open in other tabs. That's  right, I'm a procrastinator.

It's something I have always done. During my GCSE exams, I procrastinated by going on Tumblr, as it was my new found love. Last year, during my AS level exams, I procrastinated by reading multiple fictional books, as I had recently gotten back into recreational reading. But this year, I appear to have reached a new height of procrastination. Along with frequent visits to the dashboard of Tumblr [two different Tumblr accounts, now] and the current reading of The Great Gatsby, I appear to have developed a love of Facebook games and jigsaws. Not only this, but I have fallen back in love with history and have been attempting to watch every episode of Time Team since February. Plus, I have started watching Air Crash Investigation again after realising how interesting I find it.

So I haven't really gotten off to the best start. Along with all these distractions, I have been procrastinating by researching my prospective universities, of which I won't even get into if I don't pass my exams. But I can hardly help that I had to make my final decision through UCAS last week and my student finance deadline is at the end of this month. And I have to begin applying for accommodation in the near future. All of this is happening at once, and since I am a female Peter Pan, I've been hiding from my responsibilities through procrastination, my metaphorical Neverland. 

I have attempted to shut myself away in my room in an attempt to concentrate [I say as I have dubstep playing loudly in the background] and it appears to be working to an extent. I finally understand meta ethics, something I never did before. But the more I begin to revise, the more I realise how much I need to remember, the more I panic about how I'm going to fail, the more I think about what I'm going to do if I don't get into university, the more I think about what I'm going to do if I do get into university, the more I feel that I'm too young to do anything but do jigsaws and listen to the High School Musical soundtrack for the hundredth, the more I hide away from everything. 

I appear to be going through a phase of not really knowing what I want to do in life. I want to write things, but I haven't worked out what I want to write. I know that I want to continue learning, but I don't know if I'm ready to grow up and go to university. Can I just continue going to sixth form college for the next six years until I feel like I'm more grown up? Or perhaps even just one more year. I've changed a lot in the past year, so it's likely that I'm going to have changed a lot by next year. So am I really ready to be making decisions about my entire future when I can't even predict how I'm going to be and what I'm going to want to do in a year's time? I'm already considering a third year at college if I don't get into university. But what if I do get into university? I'm not sure I want to anymore. And yet, I want to more than anything. I appear to have juxtaposing emotions right now.

And all this thinking when I should be revising for my 'oh so important' exams.

Or maybe I'll just go on Facebook for a little while longer first...